Category: Musings (Page 2 of 3)

Visits

Okay, so I cheated a bit. I wrote the bulk of the previous post on Sunday morning, but then all of a sudden time (quite thematically appropriately) got away from me, so I had to leave it as a draft when we left to meet M’s friends. Which became more of an adventure than we expected, because buses completely screwed us over, and we ended up spending 1,5 hours trying to get to where we needed to go, and ultimately reached our destination an hour late. Embarrassing, but not our fault! However, what I was trying to say is, I posted it just now, so technically I didn’t post an entry last week, and that means it’s penance time again. Hence you’re getting two for the price of one, lucky bastards!

Back to Sunday’s adventure: the first bus we took had to deviate from its normal route due to road work, which meant that we had to get off on the wrong stop, and by the time we reached the stop of the next bus we were supposed to take, it had already gone. Or it never went at all, because of the road work… I don’t even know. However, we ended up walking quite the distance to another stop where we ultimately discovered that we needed to wait half an hour for the next bus. Fortunately the weather was gorgeous, so sitting and waiting wasn’t so bad, and on our way there we glimpsed a shop I’ve been meaning to visit for a while now. We totally would have had the time to visit it, too, but we didn’t know that when we passed it, and by the time we found out, it was way too late… But even so, now we know where it is, and we’ll definitely visit soon.

Fortunately M’s friends didn’t mind our lateness, but instead welcomed us with a table full of all kinds of tasty treats. It was an interesting visit for several reasons. They got to meet the elusive girlfriend they only learnt about recently, and I got to meet a bunch of people M chats with on a daily basis, but whom he rarely meets in person. So why did they only learn about me recently, you may wonder, and the answer is both extremely simple and strangely complicated.

You see, my friends are people I share intensely personal things with. His friends are people who share interests with him, and in this particular case, the same university background and profession. Where I talk with my friends maybe on a monthly basis (if we’re lucky…), he talks to his pretty much every day, but the things we talk about differ wildly. My friends know me. I tell them if something important happens in my life, and even though we connect rarely, we do so on a deep, personal level. They aren’t an active part of my everyday life, but I carry them with me every step of the way, and I always know that if I need them, they’re only one email or phone call away (and vice versa, of course). M’s friends know next to nothing about him, personally, and so the subject of having a Finnish girlfriend move in with him simply never came up, until a few weeks ago it got mentioned entirely tangentially. Cue intense curiosity from their side, and a sudden invitation for coffee ;)

In person their curiosity was much more subdued, and only one personal question ever got asked, which was about what I do for a living. That one didn’t take long to answer, and soon we were back to talking about the horrors of software development in environments that are endlessly bogged down by layers and layers of procedure. Or how bad it is when there is not enough procedure. Apparently it’s a hard thing to get right. Made me feel oddly good about my job, which at least is clear and unimpeded, if not terribly engaging. All in all, I enjoyed the visit a lot, although I’ve no idea how much they got out of it. I guess we’ll see if we get invited again.


Today I reached a milestone of a kind: my first dentist visit in Denmark! One of my molars has been aching a bit lately, and on Sunday and Monday it was bad enough that I resorted to painkillers. So, on Monday after work I walked to the nearby dentist’s office and asked for an appointment, and got one for this morning. (This all sounds so easy now, but I absolutely detest having to use any health care services at all, especially abroad, so getting myself through that door was more of a struggle than is readily apparent.)

This morning I was so nervous about the appointment, I left for work without my bike helmet, which is unheard of. I just simply forgot, and by the time I realised, it was too late to go back and get it. I’ve worn the stupid thing religiously ever since I got it, so it was the weirdest thing to just suddenly forget. Fortunately I only had a half hour of work before the appointment, so I didn’t have to spend the entire day dreading it.

Unsurprisingly, everything went very well once I got there. The dentist was extremely nice and spoke excellent English, and couldn’t find anything wrong with my molar, so the current assumption is that I’ve been grinding my teeth at night which then aggravated the tooth. The plan is to wait and see if it calms down on its own, and if so, then nevermind. (It’s been much better today anyway, so things look promising.)

Of course, she also found a broken filling and some cavities that will require two additional visits in the near future, which is not so great, especially considering the pricing of Danish dental health care, but so it goes. It’s been a while since I last got my teeth checked, so it’s not exactly surprising, and I’m just happy to have everything taken care of. Having my own dentist is another small step towards belonging here, as odd as it may sound.

Lighter

I’m somewhat annoyed by the “weekly digest” format my posts have taken. Of course, currently the only likely alternative is to not write at all, but even so, I hope to eventually reach a point where actual themes emerge. Until then I suppose digests will have to do.


This week was pretty much as average a week as it gets. Work was busy but mostly quite successful, and the language course went well. The combination of work and studies left me really tired by the time we got to Thursday, but this, too, is entirely normal. I had Thursday evening free of all responsibilities, which gave me a bit of a reprieve (and the opportunity to make tiramisu, which I had planned for the Easter break but then postponed due to being sick), and on Friday I hit the gym after work.

We spent Saturday doing things that needed doing, such as packing away winterwear, washing laundry and doing other chores, and then had a lovely date night as counterbalance. Today it’s been even more laundry, M continuing to try to fix a laptop as a favour to a relative, and in the afternoon we’ve been invited for some coffee with a few of his friends I’ll be meeting for the first time. The normalcy of it all has been a relief after all the time spent being sick.

The common theme for the past nine months seems to be “no time”. Always in a hurry, always tired. Being sick so much has just exacerbated the issue, because it is such a horrible time sink. Everything has to be put on hold, be it work, language course, chores, or even the nice, relaxing things, because you don’t even have energy for those. Eventually even the nice things become a part of a giant, neverending To Do List. It’s only recently that I feel like life is less about crossing things off the list and more about actually living, and it feels awfully good. I think the ever-advancing spring has a lot to do with it, because it’s not like my life has substantially changed recently.


Lately I’ve been diving into my comic collection a lot, starting from re-reading Jeff Smith’s entire Bone saga (including Rose), the entire Sandman collection by Neil Gaiman, the first three volumes of Brian K. Vaughan’s Saga, and now all the Elfquests I own, which isn’t quite the entire collection, but a huge chunk of it, anyway. I’m planning on continuing to Joe Sacco’s Footnotes in Gaza (which I haven’t actually read before), and then it would be nice to take a crack at the Valhalla series, since I got the first two volumes of the Den Samlede Saga editions in Danish as birthday presents this year. Good language practice, I’m sure! Beyond that, it just feels good to be reading again.

Getting Back on Track

I ended up being sick for my entire Easter holiday. M recovered a few days before I did, so he got a few not-quite-so-crappy days at the end of it, but I was sniffling and exhausted all the way until work started again. Needless to say, I was not happy, nor did I take it particularly gracefully. My misery was somewhat alleviated by a generous amount of chocolate eggs, but even those were just a band-aid. Nothing could replace the plans we had had, or the wasted beautiful sunny days during which we stayed indoors out of necessity. I was grumpy all through the next work week as well, since we started the month swamped and understaffed, but my mood got slightly better towards the weekend, and yesterday was already very enjoyable. I won’t get another stab at a proper holiday until July, but at least there are some extra days off sprinkled here and there in April and May, so that’ll help a bit.

Yesterday was the only day I could vote in the Finnish parliamentary elections, so as soon as the Honorary Consulate of Finland opened their doors for voters, we made our way there. After a successful (and blessedly short) voting experience, we headed to the city centre for a delicious sushi lunch and some yummy ice cream. We’d been invited for dinner at M’s parents’ place in the evening, so we spent several enjoyable hours there, after which we came home and pretty much went straight to bed.

Today was mostly about catching up with chores, so I finished the work-related translation assignment I started yesterday, after which we cleaned up the apartment, I did my Danish homework, and finally got to spend some quality leisure time by finishing Tomb Raider, which I really enjoyed. It’s also the only AAA single-player game I’ve managed to finish in several years… Dragon Age: Inquisition is currently gathering (proverbial) dust, as I lost interest fairly early on. There’s a number of other titles installed on my hard drive that I’ve either started but not finished or never even started, so hopefully this will be the start of a new era of being able to focus on a single game long enough to finish it.

It’s been a successful weekend, both in terms of having a good time and getting necessary things done, and I think I’ve finally purged the disappointment of the missed Easter holiday from my system. We’ve also made some (hopefully long-lasting and beneficial) changes in our diet and added some vitamin D supplements into the mix, so hopefully there will be less illness in the future. I’m really looking forward to being able to rely on my normal routines without being constantly interrupted by one calamity after another. Also, the weather seems to be getting warmer all the time, so I think it’s fair to say that spring is finally here and summer may be just around the corner! Can’t wait :)

I have this habit of planning things down to detail. When it works out as planned (or when there’s only minor variation), I’m happy. When it doesn’t, I get very, very bummed. It’s a stupid, perfectionist habit that I should break, but when it works, it works beautifully and I get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Of course, the reverse is also true.

I had a lot of things planned for our Easter holiday. Not down to the finest detail, but in general. Then yesterday, M got sick. Again. It hasn’t been a full month from the last time he was sick (after which I had my nasty week-long illness), but here we are again. So that pretty much wrecked all my plans, which led to a meltdown last night that I fortunately recovered from fairly quickly, but boy it still stings. Of course, there’s a real chance I’ll get it from him again, although I’m trying to take all precautions now because I really, really don’t want to get sick again.

*sigh*

Of Home Things

There were a few things I was very worried about losing when I moved to Denmark. One of them was my “private” gym at the basement of the apartment building I lived in that was really meant for all the people living there, but which only I used regularly. Every now and then someone else would go, and once I even had to share it briefly while doing my own workout, but for the 1,5 years that I used it 2-3 times a week and for several years before that when I only went sporadically, I pretty much had it to myself. It was very basic, but it had what I needed and I absolutely loved the privacy. I hated the idea of having to go to an actual fitness centre after moving, and worse yet, a place where people predominantly spoke a language I don’t yet speak. I kept procrastinating about it for the first 5-6 months, but fortunately a colleague saved me at the start of this year by suggesting we start going together, and now it’s become a weekly habit I’d like to start doing twice a week if only I could find the time.

However, that’s not what I wanted to focus on today. Another “thing” I was loath to lose was Paula, my hairdresser for I don’t even know how many years. Some people love variety when it comes to hairdressers and flit from blossom to blossom, forever finding new flavours. Me, I want a relationship. Much like my friendships and romantic relationships, I tend to focus on only one person (or a handful, when it comes to friends), and I want it to last. I can’t remember when I first went under Paula’s scissors (or more often, knife), but she was the very first hairdresser in Oulu that I began to ask for by name. (I had a long-term relationship with a hairdresser in Raahe that took years to replace after I moved away.) But when she handled my wedding hairdo with such ease and grace, I knew I had found my match.

Every five to six weeks, pretty much like clockwork, we had an appointment and she would take me through red and brown phases, short and longer cuts, symmetrical and asymmetrical hairdos… We’d talk about what summer festivals we might visit the next summer, or what we might do for Christmas, or what was going on in our personal lives. She once came in early (like ridiculously early) in the morning just to fit me in when I had forgotten to make an appointment just before Christmas, and was in every way a total class act. I was sad to say goodbye to her, and horrified by the idea of having to try and find a replacement that could measure up in any way.

In Aarhus, I postponed finding a hairdresser for as long as I possibly could, but short hair demands attention a lot more often than long hair does, so I couldn’t avoid the issue forever. My first try was with a lady who didn’t speak English very well and who did an okay cut, but we were clearly on a different wavelength. I returned to her once to cut my fringe (she offered it free of charge, so I took advantage of that), but I had already decided I’d keep looking until I found one I was really satisfied with. Luckily for me, my second try was pure diamond.

I found Michael in a hair salon that was well hidden in a second-story space along a tiny alley that breaks away from a larger street barely a block away from where I work. He’s in his early twenties (I assume, haven’t asked), impeccably dressed in either all-black or black and white, thin as a whippet, skilfully coiffed and always with absolutely perfect manners. Every gesture seems somehow well planned, and while his English isn’t perfect, we communicate effortlessly. From the start we just hit it off. I explained to him what I wanted, he agreed and then somehow made it all his own, so that even though I had given the guidelines, he made the cut into a work of art all of his own design. The way he cuts hair makes me think of an artist working with a brush. He’s perfectly concentrated and he absolutely will not stop until he is satisfied with the outcome. And the way he gently but firmly moves my head to the angle he wants at any given moment is both mesmerising and somehow incredibly relaxing.

So no, he’s not Paula by any means, but he cuts my hair to perfection and we get along swimmingly. I was sold as soon as he got started the first time and aside from M and his truly lovely family, Michael has probably done more than anyone to make Aarhus really feel like home to me. It’s extremely rare for me to trust anyone to do anything to me without me trying to control the situation to at least some extent, but somehow he puts me completely at ease, and as a result, the salon he works in has become a true oasis of relaxation for me. (Admittedly the massaging chair I get to sit in when my hair gets washed helps.)

(Yes, I realise how bizarre it is that something like finding “the right” hairdresser can mean so much to a person, but there you go. When I tried to explain this to M the first time, he found it really amusing.)

Being Present

This week has gone by so fast. My cousin A was supposed to visit on Monday, but she got a nasty stomach bug on Sunday and couldn’t travel after all. We had made a restaurant reservation for Monday evening that we decided to keep even though she couldn’t make it. We figured it could be an impromptu date night, and I was quite looking forward to it all day. It turned out okay: food was good if not great, and we had the place mostly to ourselves, but something was off about the evening. It felt like M’s thoughts were elsewhere, and I just felt invisible. It left a bad taste in my mouth, and once we got home, I let myself get totally distracted by chatting with a friend online instead of spending time with M for about an hour, after which we proceeded to watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead as we had agreed earlier. The evening wasn’t a bad one by any means, but neither was it what we had expected.

I woke up insanely grumpy on Tuesday, and couldn’t really put my finger on it. It took me pretty much the whole day to figure it out, and once M came home from work, we finally took a moment to talk about it. I told him about having been disappointed by the restaurant portion of our “date night”, and he told me much the same about what came after. We both felt better afterwards, and decided to give it another go on Saturday.

The rest of the week until the weekend was exhausting, and on Friday evening I was so beat that I went to bed quite a bit earlier than normally and slept like the dead. Saturday, however, was perfect. Lots and lots of extremely good together-time, yummy Chinese food and a movie we both enjoyed. But the best part was, we were both there, present, focused on each other. Such a huge difference compared to Monday.

It’s so easy to get distracted by everyday things. We both have a lot of things going on that have relatively little to do with our relationship with each other, and we spend the majority of every day apart because of work, my language course, our hobbies, and our friends. Not to mention the occasional alone time we both require. It’s easy to accidentally bring that disconnect into our time together as well, but I think for us to stay happy together, we really need to try and not let that happen. Saturday was living proof of how incredibly good it can be when we succeed.

Lost and Found

I took a day off work today because I can’t stop randomly bursting into tears. I’m generally highly practiced with keeping my emotions in check, but right now I need a little time to adjust.

See, I have a friend, L. We’ve known each other for several years, but I don’t know her real name, age, address, phone number, email or really any “relevant” details. I’m not even 100 % sure she is a she, it’s just an assumption made based on several years’ worth of interaction online. She’s the most private person I know, but for the past four years or so, I have spent more time with her on a weekly basis than probably any of my RL friends simply by virtue of sharing a gaming hobby. For the past two or so years, we’ve had weekly get-togethers where we’d play together for a few hours and talk about all kinds of things while we were at it. That is, until the start of last October when she suddenly vanished.

At first, I was mildly concerned but not particularly alarmed, because she has disappeared for short periods of time before. I contacted her via the website we generally use to communicate, but she didn’t reply, and I could see that she hadn’t even read the messages. She didn’t log on to any of the sites/games we normally use, and as time passed, I got more and more worried. No one had heard from her. Still, she’s really private, so there was a possibility she simply wanted to take some time off. I kept writing to her every now and then, but there was never any reply. And eventually so much time passed that I began believing the worst. I contacted the only person I knew who might have some additional means of contacting L, and she promised to try, but nothing came of it. Another friend suggested we’d contact a few of the services we all use to see if the administrators would agree to pass our contact details on to L. We tried it, but the only answer we got was “privacy policy, we can’t do this”. Eventually we gave up.

I’ve been writing to her every now and then, just to reach out in case one day she might show up. I stopped believing she would, but a part of me would just stubbornly hold on, which was worse than being able to let go. Not knowing what had happened was really the worst thing. It was like she was lost at sea; no body to say goodbye to. Eventually I decided to give her until her birthday, which is in March. (I don’t know her actual birthday, because she refused to tell me, so I made up a date and dragged her out to celebrate it with me every year. It’s usually been dinner and quality time with my RL friends, and with her it was a few hours of shooting up aliens and talking bull.) I planned to write a eulogy on that date and post it to the group we used to frequent, just to say goodbye and let other people say something if they wanted to.

This morning I got a message from the friend who had tried to contact L earlier. She had just gotten a reply, and it turns out L suffered a stroke in October, and she’s been in recovery all this time. She very nearly didn’t make it, and she’s forgotten the passwords to the services and websites we normally use. I don’t know how bad the situation is exactly, as the message I got was short, but she’s alive, and she sent me a hi, so I assume she at least remembers me. I don’t know what she’s lost in terms of motor skills and such, but she’s alive, and there’s a chance she’ll be a part of my life again some day. It felt like I’d been holding my breath for months and suddenly I could release it. I just started crying, and I haven’t really been able to stop since.

I’ve tried so hard not to be upset about her disappearance. I’ve lost people before, and it hurts, but that’s life for you. You take the bad with the good, and you just have to appreciate the time you do get to spend with the people you love. I don’t know if I’ll get her back as the kind of friend I used to have her as, but she’s still out there, and that means she’s still within reach. There is still hope. Maybe one day I’ll write that eulogy, but it’s not going to be just yet, and for that I’m so incredibly grateful, you have no idea.

Today the world is a bit brighter than it was yesterday.

Building Blocks

This week was really tiring but in many ways less stressful than January was. While it’s a little early to say, I feel like I’ve regained my balance at work. I made a few changes in how I do things and some adjustments in my attitude, and the results have been promising. We’ll see how it goes from here, but at least for the moment I feel better. I also finally bought a gym membership, which means I will try to go at least once a week with a friend from work. Eventually I’m hoping to increase it to twice a week, although the other time will have to be by myself as our work hours don’t coincide well enough at the start of the week. In any case, I’m very excited, because the lack of exercise has really bothered me. Regular exercise does wonders for my moods, but it’s so easy to neglect. I just need to stop letting laziness win. (Of course, yesterday’s workout left me completely crippled today, so it’ll be an adjustment to get started with a regular routine again…)

In other good news, there are now several friends scheduled to come and visit us! My cousin A will take a day off of her mid-February work-related visit to Aarhus to spend with us, which I’m really excited about, because I haven’t seen her in ages, and she’s never even met M yet. One of my dearest friends E will visit sometime in early March (the exact details haven’t been nailed down yet, but that’s the current estimate), and sweet S will spend a long weekend with us in late May. I’m really looking forward to seeing them all, and hopefully we’ll have more visits in the future, too.

As a survival strategy, I’ve found having things to look forward to is the most effective one. That, and taking care of oneself physically. I haven’t done the best job with the latter lately, but I’m hoping to get it right from now on.

Toe-dipping

Okay, so January has been unexpectedly hard. Work has been stressing me out for a number of reasons, but today I got to work from home since we finished our main project a day early, and I had some database work to do that can be done from anywhere with an Internet connection. And it was so relaxing! I could listen to music, there was no one talking around me (and I didn’t have to talk!), and as soon as I was done, the weekend could begin. I wouldn’t want to work from home all the time, but every now and then it is just peachy, and today I think I really needed it.

I’ve been pondering my relationship with my job a lot this month. It has been harder now than it was last year, and there was a moment earlier this week when I genuinely felt like I wanted to give up. Instead I chose to consciously change my attitude towards it, or at least try my damnedest from now on. I have a plan for February now, and hopefully towards the summer things will become easier.

Eventually, however, I do need to decide what I want to do with myself, career-wise. Maybe not this year, but I can’t wait forever with it, either. What I’m doing now is fine for the time being, but it’s not a long-term solution, and I need to find something that could be. (This subject deserves a longer, less vague post, but I’m tired and I’ve stared at the screen way too much today as it is. Plus there’s the fact that I still don’t know how detailed I want to be about work-related things here. Still, I predict more musings about this in the future, so stay tuned!)

34

I used to write a birthday post every year, as a type of “looking back” thing. My birthday is sufficiently close to the start of the year that I could easily make it about summarising the old year, the way people often do at around the start of a new one. I think it’s a nice tradition, and a useful one, too. I forget things so easily, and looking back can give necessary perspective.

So, my 33 was chaotic, to say the least. I don’t remember much of the start of the year. I was looking for a job and had been for half a year by that point, and it seemed like there was no resolution in sight. I was desperately in love with someone who lived far away from me, and sometimes the only thing that seemed to keep me sane was the counter ticking towards our next meeting (which were months apart). I also worked out fairly actively back then, which was another sanity-reinforcing thing in my life.

Things changed abruptly when I applied for a job in Denmark in late June, and was interviewed and accepted in early July. Suddenly I needed to move my entire existence from Finland to Denmark within a month, not to mention move in with someone I knew well, but had only met a handful of times. I couldn’t have done it without the absolutely invaluable (including financial…) help from my parents, and all my dear friends who pitched in as well. That one month was stressful beyond belief, but somehow it all worked out, and by the end of July I had moved to Denmark. The next week I started at my current job.

It has been an adjustment, for sure. The first months were a blur of trying to get all the necessary paperwork taken care of, learning the job, unpacking a life’s worth of things and fitting them into an apartment that already housed someone else’s life, healing hurts (including a nasty infection on my second week here, and a toenail I managed to partially rip off while unpacking things), starting the language course to learn Danish (twice, because they put me in an advanced class first, when I didn’t speak a word yet…), and not least, learning to fit our lives together with M, who has been amazing through it all, I have to say. As has his family, who took me in with open arms.

Eventually things have settled down more. My work contract got renewed at the start of the year, so for now, employment is secure. It’s not a job I want to spend the rest of my life doing, but it sure beats unemployment, and I have a great group of colleagues I enjoy seeing every day. (I got several different happy birthday songs today in Danish, Swedish, Norwegian and even Somali from my colleagues, which was surprising and extremely delightful.) I’m starting to learn Danish, although I still find it very challenging, and it’s going to be a long road before I’m anywhere near fluency. I’ve even taken my first somewhat floundering steps towards physical activity again, after six months of no regular exercise of any kind (besides riding the bike to get from one place to another). And M and I… We fit together. We make each other happier than we are alone, and we’re both pretty happy alone, too.

I miss my friends and family sometimes, but I’m home now. It’s not an entirely familiar home, but it feels right, and I haven’t regretted the choice I made to come here.

As for what I’d like from my 34:

  • Basic fluency in Danish, i.e. the ability to run regular errands and hold a conversation without needing to resort to English much or at all.
  • Regular exercise routine that I find enjoyable and sustainable.
  • More good times with M. I’m especially looking forward to my first Danish summer!
  • Friends’ visits. I already have two scheduled, and hopefully there will be more.
  • Visiting Finland in turn.
  • Learning my way around Aarhus more, so I can find nice places to visit/shop in (and take other people, too), get a library card and other things I still don’t have.

Come what may, I’m looking forward to it!

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