Month: February 2015

Of Home Things

There were a few things I was very worried about losing when I moved to Denmark. One of them was my “private” gym at the basement of the apartment building I lived in that was really meant for all the people living there, but which only I used regularly. Every now and then someone else would go, and once I even had to share it briefly while doing my own workout, but for the 1,5 years that I used it 2-3 times a week and for several years before that when I only went sporadically, I pretty much had it to myself. It was very basic, but it had what I needed and I absolutely loved the privacy. I hated the idea of having to go to an actual fitness centre after moving, and worse yet, a place where people predominantly spoke a language I don’t yet speak. I kept procrastinating about it for the first 5-6 months, but fortunately a colleague saved me at the start of this year by suggesting we start going together, and now it’s become a weekly habit I’d like to start doing twice a week if only I could find the time.

However, that’s not what I wanted to focus on today. Another “thing” I was loath to lose was Paula, my hairdresser for I don’t even know how many years. Some people love variety when it comes to hairdressers and flit from blossom to blossom, forever finding new flavours. Me, I want a relationship. Much like my friendships and romantic relationships, I tend to focus on only one person (or a handful, when it comes to friends), and I want it to last. I can’t remember when I first went under Paula’s scissors (or more often, knife), but she was the very first hairdresser in Oulu that I began to ask for by name. (I had a long-term relationship with a hairdresser in Raahe that took years to replace after I moved away.) But when she handled my wedding hairdo with such ease and grace, I knew I had found my match.

Every five to six weeks, pretty much like clockwork, we had an appointment and she would take me through red and brown phases, short and longer cuts, symmetrical and asymmetrical hairdos… We’d talk about what summer festivals we might visit the next summer, or what we might do for Christmas, or what was going on in our personal lives. She once came in early (like ridiculously early) in the morning just to fit me in when I had forgotten to make an appointment just before Christmas, and was in every way a total class act. I was sad to say goodbye to her, and horrified by the idea of having to try and find a replacement that could measure up in any way.

In Aarhus, I postponed finding a hairdresser for as long as I possibly could, but short hair demands attention a lot more often than long hair does, so I couldn’t avoid the issue forever. My first try was with a lady who didn’t speak English very well and who did an okay cut, but we were clearly on a different wavelength. I returned to her once to cut my fringe (she offered it free of charge, so I took advantage of that), but I had already decided I’d keep looking until I found one I was really satisfied with. Luckily for me, my second try was pure diamond.

I found Michael in a hair salon that was well hidden in a second-story space along a tiny alley that breaks away from a larger street barely a block away from where I work. He’s in his early twenties (I assume, haven’t asked), impeccably dressed in either all-black or black and white, thin as a whippet, skilfully coiffed and always with absolutely perfect manners. Every gesture seems somehow well planned, and while his English isn’t perfect, we communicate effortlessly. From the start we just hit it off. I explained to him what I wanted, he agreed and then somehow made it all his own, so that even though I had given the guidelines, he made the cut into a work of art all of his own design. The way he cuts hair makes me think of an artist working with a brush. He’s perfectly concentrated and he absolutely will not stop until he is satisfied with the outcome. And the way he gently but firmly moves my head to the angle he wants at any given moment is both mesmerising and somehow incredibly relaxing.

So no, he’s not Paula by any means, but he cuts my hair to perfection and we get along swimmingly. I was sold as soon as he got started the first time and aside from M and his truly lovely family, Michael has probably done more than anyone to make Aarhus really feel like home to me. It’s extremely rare for me to trust anyone to do anything to me without me trying to control the situation to at least some extent, but somehow he puts me completely at ease, and as a result, the salon he works in has become a true oasis of relaxation for me. (Admittedly the massaging chair I get to sit in when my hair gets washed helps.)

(Yes, I realise how bizarre it is that something like finding “the right” hairdresser can mean so much to a person, but there you go. When I tried to explain this to M the first time, he found it really amusing.)

Being Present

This week has gone by so fast. My cousin A was supposed to visit on Monday, but she got a nasty stomach bug on Sunday and couldn’t travel after all. We had made a restaurant reservation for Monday evening that we decided to keep even though she couldn’t make it. We figured it could be an impromptu date night, and I was quite looking forward to it all day. It turned out okay: food was good if not great, and we had the place mostly to ourselves, but something was off about the evening. It felt like M’s thoughts were elsewhere, and I just felt invisible. It left a bad taste in my mouth, and once we got home, I let myself get totally distracted by chatting with a friend online instead of spending time with M for about an hour, after which we proceeded to watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead as we had agreed earlier. The evening wasn’t a bad one by any means, but neither was it what we had expected.

I woke up insanely grumpy on Tuesday, and couldn’t really put my finger on it. It took me pretty much the whole day to figure it out, and once M came home from work, we finally took a moment to talk about it. I told him about having been disappointed by the restaurant portion of our “date night”, and he told me much the same about what came after. We both felt better afterwards, and decided to give it another go on Saturday.

The rest of the week until the weekend was exhausting, and on Friday evening I was so beat that I went to bed quite a bit earlier than normally and slept like the dead. Saturday, however, was perfect. Lots and lots of extremely good together-time, yummy Chinese food and a movie we both enjoyed. But the best part was, we were both there, present, focused on each other. Such a huge difference compared to Monday.

It’s so easy to get distracted by everyday things. We both have a lot of things going on that have relatively little to do with our relationship with each other, and we spend the majority of every day apart because of work, my language course, our hobbies, and our friends. Not to mention the occasional alone time we both require. It’s easy to accidentally bring that disconnect into our time together as well, but I think for us to stay happy together, we really need to try and not let that happen. Saturday was living proof of how incredibly good it can be when we succeed.

Lost and Found

I took a day off work today because I can’t stop randomly bursting into tears. I’m generally highly practiced with keeping my emotions in check, but right now I need a little time to adjust.

See, I have a friend, L. We’ve known each other for several years, but I don’t know her real name, age, address, phone number, email or really any “relevant” details. I’m not even 100 % sure she is a she, it’s just an assumption made based on several years’ worth of interaction online. She’s the most private person I know, but for the past four years or so, I have spent more time with her on a weekly basis than probably any of my RL friends simply by virtue of sharing a gaming hobby. For the past two or so years, we’ve had weekly get-togethers where we’d play together for a few hours and talk about all kinds of things while we were at it. That is, until the start of last October when she suddenly vanished.

At first, I was mildly concerned but not particularly alarmed, because she has disappeared for short periods of time before. I contacted her via the website we generally use to communicate, but she didn’t reply, and I could see that she hadn’t even read the messages. She didn’t log on to any of the sites/games we normally use, and as time passed, I got more and more worried. No one had heard from her. Still, she’s really private, so there was a possibility she simply wanted to take some time off. I kept writing to her every now and then, but there was never any reply. And eventually so much time passed that I began believing the worst. I contacted the only person I knew who might have some additional means of contacting L, and she promised to try, but nothing came of it. Another friend suggested we’d contact a few of the services we all use to see if the administrators would agree to pass our contact details on to L. We tried it, but the only answer we got was “privacy policy, we can’t do this”. Eventually we gave up.

I’ve been writing to her every now and then, just to reach out in case one day she might show up. I stopped believing she would, but a part of me would just stubbornly hold on, which was worse than being able to let go. Not knowing what had happened was really the worst thing. It was like she was lost at sea; no body to say goodbye to. Eventually I decided to give her until her birthday, which is in March. (I don’t know her actual birthday, because she refused to tell me, so I made up a date and dragged her out to celebrate it with me every year. It’s usually been dinner and quality time with my RL friends, and with her it was a few hours of shooting up aliens and talking bull.) I planned to write a eulogy on that date and post it to the group we used to frequent, just to say goodbye and let other people say something if they wanted to.

This morning I got a message from the friend who had tried to contact L earlier. She had just gotten a reply, and it turns out L suffered a stroke in October, and she’s been in recovery all this time. She very nearly didn’t make it, and she’s forgotten the passwords to the services and websites we normally use. I don’t know how bad the situation is exactly, as the message I got was short, but she’s alive, and she sent me a hi, so I assume she at least remembers me. I don’t know what she’s lost in terms of motor skills and such, but she’s alive, and there’s a chance she’ll be a part of my life again some day. It felt like I’d been holding my breath for months and suddenly I could release it. I just started crying, and I haven’t really been able to stop since.

I’ve tried so hard not to be upset about her disappearance. I’ve lost people before, and it hurts, but that’s life for you. You take the bad with the good, and you just have to appreciate the time you do get to spend with the people you love. I don’t know if I’ll get her back as the kind of friend I used to have her as, but she’s still out there, and that means she’s still within reach. There is still hope. Maybe one day I’ll write that eulogy, but it’s not going to be just yet, and for that I’m so incredibly grateful, you have no idea.

Today the world is a bit brighter than it was yesterday.

Building Blocks

This week was really tiring but in many ways less stressful than January was. While it’s a little early to say, I feel like I’ve regained my balance at work. I made a few changes in how I do things and some adjustments in my attitude, and the results have been promising. We’ll see how it goes from here, but at least for the moment I feel better. I also finally bought a gym membership, which means I will try to go at least once a week with a friend from work. Eventually I’m hoping to increase it to twice a week, although the other time will have to be by myself as our work hours don’t coincide well enough at the start of the week. In any case, I’m very excited, because the lack of exercise has really bothered me. Regular exercise does wonders for my moods, but it’s so easy to neglect. I just need to stop letting laziness win. (Of course, yesterday’s workout left me completely crippled today, so it’ll be an adjustment to get started with a regular routine again…)

In other good news, there are now several friends scheduled to come and visit us! My cousin A will take a day off of her mid-February work-related visit to Aarhus to spend with us, which I’m really excited about, because I haven’t seen her in ages, and she’s never even met M yet. One of my dearest friends E will visit sometime in early March (the exact details haven’t been nailed down yet, but that’s the current estimate), and sweet S will spend a long weekend with us in late May. I’m really looking forward to seeing them all, and hopefully we’ll have more visits in the future, too.

As a survival strategy, I’ve found having things to look forward to is the most effective one. That, and taking care of oneself physically. I haven’t done the best job with the latter lately, but I’m hoping to get it right from now on.

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