I took a day off work today because I can’t stop randomly bursting into tears. I’m generally highly practiced with keeping my emotions in check, but right now I need a little time to adjust.

See, I have a friend, L. We’ve known each other for several years, but I don’t know her real name, age, address, phone number, email or really any “relevant” details. I’m not even 100 % sure she is a she, it’s just an assumption made based on several years’ worth of interaction online. She’s the most private person I know, but for the past four years or so, I have spent more time with her on a weekly basis than probably any of my RL friends simply by virtue of sharing a gaming hobby. For the past two or so years, we’ve had weekly get-togethers where we’d play together for a few hours and talk about all kinds of things while we were at it. That is, until the start of last October when she suddenly vanished.

At first, I was mildly concerned but not particularly alarmed, because she has disappeared for short periods of time before. I contacted her via the website we generally use to communicate, but she didn’t reply, and I could see that she hadn’t even read the messages. She didn’t log on to any of the sites/games we normally use, and as time passed, I got more and more worried. No one had heard from her. Still, she’s really private, so there was a possibility she simply wanted to take some time off. I kept writing to her every now and then, but there was never any reply. And eventually so much time passed that I began believing the worst. I contacted the only person I knew who might have some additional means of contacting L, and she promised to try, but nothing came of it. Another friend suggested we’d contact a few of the services we all use to see if the administrators would agree to pass our contact details on to L. We tried it, but the only answer we got was “privacy policy, we can’t do this”. Eventually we gave up.

I’ve been writing to her every now and then, just to reach out in case one day she might show up. I stopped believing she would, but a part of me would just stubbornly hold on, which was worse than being able to let go. Not knowing what had happened was really the worst thing. It was like she was lost at sea; no body to say goodbye to. Eventually I decided to give her until her birthday, which is in March. (I don’t know her actual birthday, because she refused to tell me, so I made up a date and dragged her out to celebrate it with me every year. It’s usually been dinner and quality time with my RL friends, and with her it was a few hours of shooting up aliens and talking bull.) I planned to write a eulogy on that date and post it to the group we used to frequent, just to say goodbye and let other people say something if they wanted to.

This morning I got a message from the friend who had tried to contact L earlier. She had just gotten a reply, and it turns out L suffered a stroke in October, and she’s been in recovery all this time. She very nearly didn’t make it, and she’s forgotten the passwords to the services and websites we normally use. I don’t know how bad the situation is exactly, as the message I got was short, but she’s alive, and she sent me a hi, so I assume she at least remembers me. I don’t know what she’s lost in terms of motor skills and such, but she’s alive, and there’s a chance she’ll be a part of my life again some day. It felt like I’d been holding my breath for months and suddenly I could release it. I just started crying, and I haven’t really been able to stop since.

I’ve tried so hard not to be upset about her disappearance. I’ve lost people before, and it hurts, but that’s life for you. You take the bad with the good, and you just have to appreciate the time you do get to spend with the people you love. I don’t know if I’ll get her back as the kind of friend I used to have her as, but she’s still out there, and that means she’s still within reach. There is still hope. Maybe one day I’ll write that eulogy, but it’s not going to be just yet, and for that I’m so incredibly grateful, you have no idea.

Today the world is a bit brighter than it was yesterday.